Judgment

Judgement is something taught so early in our lives. I have yet to meet someone who, behind the mask, does not desire belonging, connection, and genuine love. Our early experiences can hinder our ability to engage with others non-judgmentally.

Judgement is an obstacle to connection. While judgment may be used for good and using our experiences and knowledge to form an opinion, our judgment can also push us to see things that are not there.

Throughout my career, with clients and professionals, I’ve never met someone who did not want to experience belonging and connection with those they care most about. Whether we admit it or not, we seek out love (including from unhealthy places). We value non-judgemental practices as everyone has walked their own lives, and are seeking to fill the same human needs we are all seeking - autonomy, belonging/love, certainty, growth, meaning, and variety.

Cycles will continue until someone makes the changes to end it. Often, when there is a conversation about domestic violence, the pressure is on the person being harmed to leave or do better ensuring safety; The conversation needs to change to place the emphasis on the person in control of the actions. To work with someone on changing their behaviours to break cycles, we need to approach with curiosity and non-judgement. Learning about their life and beliefs, and supporting them in exploring what they value most, which will foster the changes needed to end the cycles.

Instead of placing our own values and experiences on others, we can approach others with curiosity and the intent of understanding (as opposed to listening with the intent to respond).