On Boundaries
Boundaries are often suggested as a way to develop your self-esteem and protect your mental well-being.
But what are boundaries?
Boundaries are limits we place for ourselves. The focus of a boundary is what we won’t put up with and what the next steps we take for ourselves. Like the examples above, boundaries often have two aspects: what are you saying no to, and what will you do if they don’t respect the no.
“If you do X, I will do Y”
Good boundaries focus on your own behaviours. We have no control over other people’s boundaries, and setting your expectations based on what other people need to do may not go the way you hope. Focusing on what is in your control gives you the power to react in situations that work best for you.
Tips for setting boundaries:
Use “I” statements - “I don’t like when you call me that”, “I don’t want to do that”, “I will walk away if you continue to do that”…
Don’t let others make you feel bad about the expectations or limits you are setting (yes, this is difficult. Practice following through with the boundary you set if they are trying to convince you otherwise).
Say what you mean, mean what you say.
If anyone continues to disrespect your boundaries, consider the future of your relationship. If you feel safe to, have the hard conversations with them about the impacts of their behaviours.
Some important considerations as you practice boundaries:
You are not a bad person for setting boundaries. Your boundaries, and you, deserve respect.
Your feelings are critical. Boundaries honour your feelings, instead of ignoring them or dismissing them to please those around you.
Boundaries help us maintain healthy relationships. Healthy relationships mean that everyone is allowed to say Yes or No when they want to, and be respected for their decisions.
